wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
