mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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