Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
