I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
