Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
