I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
