i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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