I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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