whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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