Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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