So drunk, too bad you don't want this
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
