I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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