he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
