Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
