I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
