Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
