i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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