Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
