Duck Duck Cougar?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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