I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
