The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
