So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
