He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
