She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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