I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
