My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
