Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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