I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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