Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I FOUND THE LEGS
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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