hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
