Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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