I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
