Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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