toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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