So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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