I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
