And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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