hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
