I look better un-naked...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
