Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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