is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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