i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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