Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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