Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
