i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize