My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
