I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
