i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
