I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
