dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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