you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
