I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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