things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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