So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
