i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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